Autolyse: Splitting Yourself in Two

Autolyse is a word that captures me.

It’s a biology word “autolysis” meaning the destruction of cells or tissues by their own enzymes. Originally coming from two Greek words, it’s literal meaning is “self splitting.”

In baking, the autolyse is when you mix flour and water before adding other ingredients, and you let it rest. The idea is that you want the flour to fully absorb the water. Since salt is hydrophilic, if you add it in the beginning, it will take hydration meant for the flour. We want the flour to get a chance first, so we wait to add the salt.

But this word “autolyse” and its meaning, “self-splitting,” may have other life-altering repercussions.

When we do anything, let’s say, choosing to bake sourdough bread on a bulk level and sell it at the farmer’s market, we’re mixing a part of us with the world and allowing ourselves to absorb the work.

I did not set out to start a business, but simply to bake a lot of bread and show up with it in our city. In the beginning, I did not think it all through. Now, four years in, I’m looking back.

These are some loaves I made on the day of my state kitchen inspection,
January 2020, just a few months before my first ever farmer’s market.

Recently, while hanging out with some friends, one friend asked the question, “If you could get paid to do anything, what would you choose?”

Another friend immediately said, “Nothing. It’s not possible.” She explained that she believes getting paid diminishes the love. When something goes from hobby to work, the reason disappears.

Of course I thought of baking because this is what has happened to me.

Has my love of baking diminished? I don’t think so, but the way I love it has certainly changed.

Baking is no longer a relaxing enterprise. It is no longer just a gift for my family or something delicious for a special dinner.

Now, baking is a whole ordeal. It’s my entire weekend. It’s a lot of dishes. It’s social media. It’s work.

There are benefits to the work, though. I am pushed forward by deadlines and I therefore have reason to work harder. I seek out more recipes. I watch more YouTube bakers. I understand what’s happening at a deeper level. Working harder has forced me into learning more.

Has this diminished my love of baking? No. But it has changed the way I bake. It has split me in two and reformed me, like the hundreds of pounds of flour that lay stacked beneath my prep tables waiting for hydration. Taking what we love and scaling up brings a splitting, a remaking, a renewal.

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So, now I ask you, if you could be paid for anything, what you choose? Do you think it’s possible to be paid for something you love and to retain your love for it?